However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33
If I were to claim to be an expert on marriage, someone would be quick to put me in my place—and rightly so. After all, I have a failed marriage in my past. The same is true for my husband Chris. Neither of us were truly Christians when we took the plunge the first time. Not to make excuses, but I was barely an adult. Old enough to say, “I do,” but too young to legally drink the champagne toast at the ceremony.
Often, it’s the mistakes we make in our lives that turn out to be the best teachers. Can I get an amen?
It wasn’t until I surrendered my life to Christ and learned what a Biblical marriage should look like that I was able to take responsibility for my own failures the first time around. Was it all my fault? Absolutely not. It takes two to fail. But it also takes two to succeed. I cannot say I regret what happened in the past, because the Lord has used it for my good and His glory. It’s astounding to know He sees every minute of our lives before we even live them, isn’t it?
In A Sojourner’s Solace, Kate Mallory is raised by a single mother who never married. Instead, she slipped from one relationship to another, leaving Kate to wonder if she, like her mother, was doomed to live life without commitment. It takes more, though, than a desire to be someone’s “soul mate” to make marriage truly flourish. We only need to look at the Bible to know what that is.
Love and respect. When we look at Ephesians 5:33, it might seem like an archaic command. So many people, even Christians, feel as if the Bible is outdated. It’s a way to justify living as we want to live rather than following the commands God has given us. You just have to glance at the news headlines to see how well that’s worked out. And with the divorce rate, even among Christians, being what it is, it’s obvious we’re not getting it right. A strong, loving marriage is a key factor in raising confident, productive children.
Years ago, Chris and I were in a church study using the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerich. It opened my eyes to a whole new perspective. Eggerich claimed that when a husband is unloving toward his wife, she then disrespects him. Her disrespect pushes him to be more unloving, and it becomes a vicious cycle that can easily destroy a marriage.
What does respect look like?
When I realized how important it is for a man to provide for his family, it was an eye-opener. Let him know how much you appreciate him for it. Try to understand how crucial it is for him to be seen as the provider, even if you’re also bringing in an income. And if he’s struggling in his job, he needs your emotional support even more.
My mom used to always tell me, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” I can easily come across as harsh or disrespectful if I don’t mind my tone. And if I’m upset about something, I have to take extra care to temper it. Believe it or not, our husbands are more sensitive than we think. Expressions are critical, as well. Sneers, eye rolling, big sighs. Not cool. It reminds me of my daughter when she was thirteen. Proverbs 25:24 says It is better to live in the corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Acknowledge him in all areas of family life. He needs to feel that he’s an important component to raising the kids (if you have some at home) even if you’re going to be the one to implement his ideas. I’ve heard a young husband comment more than once that he sets boundaries with the kids, and his wife completely ignores them when he’s not around. If you disagree with something, talk it out rather than disrespect him.
Brag on your husband—when you’re alone with home and when you’re both with others. They need to hear the good things you’re thinking. I am so proud of how much my husband has grown in the Lord throughout our marriage, and I let him know it. If you don’t think your husband does anything worth bragging about, maybe you’re not looking hard enough. Find something, no matter how small, and start there.
You may be asking, “But what about me? Where’s the love he’s supposed to show me?”
According to Mr. Eggerich, when you show your husband respect, even when he’s not giving you what you want, it’ll change his attitude toward you. As hard as it is, we are called to serve others, and it starts at home. Pray about it, and see if the Lord doesn’t bless you for your desire to respect your husband. Believe me, as easy as Chris is to live with, I have to pray every day for a right attitude. We cannot do it on our own.
“For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” — Mark 10:45
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Comments 7
This is a great reminder of how we need to treat our husbands. Thank you for sharing this
This is very important advice since I am getting ready to marry my second husband, the first having passed away. My first marriage of 40 years wasn’t always good, but there were many good memories. My second husband is a Christian, I hope it will be better. I like the idea of praying that I respect my husband. I learned long ago that when you respect your husband, then you get respect in return. Thank you for the reminder.
That was REALLY well said Jennifer-
Thank you so much for sharing!
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Thank you so much, Beth. I truly appreciate your support and encouragement!
Thank you sharing your heart with us! Respect is something we have a great shortage of in today’s society!
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Thank you for your support and encouragement!
this is a good post. I dont remember if I read it or not and if I had put it in the give a way post or not. My husband and I went through this book and loved it. you are so right about our mistakes can sometimes be big teachers in our lives.