There isn’t a time I can recall when I didn’t believe in God and know the name of Jesus. I’d go to bed every night and say The Lord’s Prayer, Hail Mary, and The Act of Contrition. There was a superstitious quality to this nightly routine—if I didn’t fall immediately to sleep, it was often because I’d forgotten to say my prayers. In those days, I would drop off the moment I finished recounting them in my mind and didn’t wake until my alarm went off in the morning. The only thing I miss about that period of my life was how well I slept. Anyone out there feel me?
I went to church every Sunday, and yet, I never could understand how it was that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I’d venture to say I’m a somewhat intelligent individual, so how could this life-altering (and dare I say death-altering) fact escape me? Yes, I knew He died a gruesome death on a cross, his head crowned with thorns. How could I miss it when a life-size cross with his bloodied body hung on the wall behind the priest through every sermon I’d ever heard. But the how of it confounded me.
Being raised in the Catholic church, I was never encouraged to read the Bible. I learned more about works than grace, and it seemed like the way into heaven was by observing the rules. The tragedy is that none of us get a pass because we follow the herd like sheep to the slaughter. It is up to each individual to seek out the truth, and the only one worth knowing is God’s truth. Everything else is either an outright lie or a lie cloaked in enough truth to fool those not willing to put in the time and effort to reveal it for what it is.
I don’t recall ever thinking about death or heaven or hell. I assumed I would go to heaven, but I couldn’t have expressed where that assurance came from. It seems often when someone is asked why they believe they’ll go to heaven, if they aren’t well-versed in the Bible, they say, “I’m a good person.” Or maybe they say, “I hope I’m good enough to get there.” I don’t even recall if this was my mindset.
Seventeen years ago, it occurred to me that I had absolutely no control over my life. I’d ignored the still, small voice of God for years as He’d wooed me to surrender to Him. I feared if I gave into it, He’d require more of me than I was willing to give. What I didn’t realize was that He desired to bless me beyond anything I could comprehend. He was offering me a free gift, and I was throwing it back in His face.
This reminds me of a couple’s Bible study on Romans 12 with Chip Ingram I did about five years ago. In one of the DVDs, he told a story of a little girl who vacationed with her family at the beach. Around her neck, she wore cheap, plastic beads, which she treasured. There was an old fisherman who noticed her love for these beads. So, he gathered oysters day by day until he had enough pearls to make her a necklace. But when he tried to trade the cheap, plastic beads for the beautiful pearl necklace, she refused to let go of them. Chip’s point was that we often do this in our lives. We’re so caught up in what we have in hand, we don’t see the blessings God has in store for us if only we’d release the trivial long enough to achieve His best. This was me.
Once I realized what a colossal failure my life was, I laid it all at the cross, repented of my sins, and asked for forgiveness. Ironically enough, no one knew how much I was suffering at the time. Everyone seemed to think I lived an ideal life. Is it perfect now? Absolutely not. But God doesn’t promise perfection. He does promise peace, joy, and assurance even in the midst of the imperfect, and an eternity spent with Jesus Christ. I will tell you, I am one blessed woman, and I give Him all the praise and glory. He has allowed me to realize every dream I’ve had since I was a child, and I now know He planted them there even before He knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Yesterday morning, our pastor shared a message titled “The Surprising Source of Contrition” using verses from Luke 5:8-10. Pastor Tom told the story of missionary David Brainerd who had been preaching the gospel to a tribe of Indians. His message was of grace and hope in the person of Jesus Christ. The crowd began to weep and wail as if he’d been threatening hell and damnation. He came to realize that the idea of hell didn’t move them nearly as much as the idea of missing out on the blessings God had for them in this life.
Many people believe that heaven is their default destination when the opposite is true. None of us can be good enough no matter how hard we try. I was reminded the other day as I was reading a devotional by Chris Tiegreen that even when I’m good, it’s not me but Jesus Christ in me. I cannot take credit for anything I do that glorifies God. It is not I, but Christ…
- In His obedience
- In His righteousness
- In His sacrifice
- In justification
- In regeneration
- In sanctification
Charles Spurgeon said it best: “If you leave out Christ, you have left the sun out of the day, and the moon out of the night, you have left the waters out of the sea, and the floods out of the river, you have left the harvest out of the year, the soul out of the body, you have left joy out of heaven, you robbed all of it’s all. There is no gospel worth thinking of, much less worth proclaiming, if Jesus be forgotten. We must have Jesus as Alpha and Omega in all our ministries.”
Comments 1
Wonderful journey and I had not heard that quote of Spurgeon’s–absolutely love it, thank you.