A few years ago I shared with my husband that I had a strong sense that the person I am now is not who I was meant to be—that there is a bold and funny me buried deep inside somewhere. Over the years, I’d built a wall around that person and didn’t allow her to be free. Have you ever experienced something of what I’m describing? Do you feel that the person you’re supposed to be—who God created you to be—isn’t free? Of course, I didn’t do anything about it once I made the confession. But every now and then when I walk into a room full of strangers, I’m reminded of that gawky sixth-grader who stepped into homeroom mid-year. Fearful. Timid. Insecure.
My mom used to tell me that I was so excited to start school that when I entered my kindergarten classroom I said, “Here I am. What are you going to teach me?” I cannot reconcile that five-year-old me with the timid twelve-year-old I became. And, sadly, to this day I identify more with the awkward me than the bold me that I’m sure exists deep down inside.
Last week, I blogged about a book I recently started reading called The Struggle is Real by Nicole Unice. I’m urging you—if you identify with anything I’m saying, you need to read this book. I’m not halfway through it yet, but I sense the author is speaking directly to my heart. Some of her points remind me of a conference Chris and I attended years ago called Storyline with Donald Miller. It was held at the beautiful Westmont College in Santa Barbara. I came away from that conference armed with tidbits and a timeline—tools to help me (through the work of the Holy Spirit) to change my story. Not that my story was bad. In fact, I felt blessed to be in a wonderful marriage to a man who not only supported my dream of becoming a writer but encouraged me daily and read everything I wrote. But the story of who I am goes much deeper than what I do. And so does yours.
According to Unice, we have three parts of ourselves that make up our story: The actor, the agent and the author. The actor is the part of ourselves that developed when we were children and began to interpret the world around us and discover what roles we played… The agent is the part of ourselves that has the capacity to set goals and move toward them… the empowered part of ourselves that wants to shape our desired future… The final layer of self is the author, the capacity we have to see our lives as a story. The author integrates moments of life into narrative arc—the many different scenes that comprise a story, extending back to the past and forward to the future.
Who I am compared to Story just makes sense to me as a writer. The lingo Nicole Unice uses resonates. It may seem simplistic, but let me assure you that she ties it all up with the understanding that our struggles, as real as they are, are not the issue. It’s what we do with them, and how we allow God to use them to shape our character, that matters. The enemy doesn’t want us to be who God created us to be because when we are a broken version, we are less likely to have impact for God’s kingdom.
I would much rather be a courageous and bold Abigail or a selfless and faithful Esther than a timid and insecure Jennifer. Unice uses scripture and bible stories to make her point, and she does it with transparency and humor. Do you believe you’re living in the fullness of who God created you to be? If so, I applaud you! If not, I urge you to purchase your copy of The Struggle is Real and then open your heart and mind for God to do a work in you.
