Facebook Is Not Your Friend

A friend loves at all times—Proverbs 17:17a

This may shock you, but I’m going to put it out there anyway: Facebook is not your friend. In fact, most of the friends you have on Facebook are not your friends. I’m not discounting family members and actual besties. But you don’t need Facebook to connect with them. Or do you?

A few years ago, Chris and I had a friend of ours ask if he could spend a weekend with us and bring his girlfriend along. He wanted us to get to know her. We had a wonderful time hiking, fellowshipping, and, of course, eating. Several months later, they came over for a visit, and I was excited (and shocked) to see a large diamond on her left ring finger.

“Did you two get engaged?” I asked.

“Yes!” they both said in unison. The woman held out her hand so I could admire the ring and said, “Didn’t you see the announcement on Facebook?”

I’ve since discovered a lot of people use Facebook (or Instagram) to announce huge life-events. I have both social media platforms along with several private groups on Facebook to connect with readers and my amazing street team. But I don’t spend my days trolling through these accounts. Call me crazy (or anti-social), but I’m one of those people who only check in on occasion and respond to notifications.

My mom used to say that we can never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. And this was before social media. It’s easy to put on a shiny, perfect front when posting only the best pictures of our children or sharing only the bright spots of our lives.

And then you have someone, like my young friend, who scrolls through her feed and sinks into utter despair. How can she possibly compare to these perfect mothers who seem to breeze through life without a blemish or scar? She feels like she’s always two steps behind and will never catch up.

Guess what? That’s motherhood. That’s life! She’s a fabulous mama, but she’ll never believe it as long as she buys into the social media frenzy.

Chris and I took a ten-day vacation and went to Northern California to visit family and friends. I was blessed to reconnect with some teachers I worked alongside for nine years. One of them joined us for a hike up to my husband’s favorite hunting spot. On our way back down the mountain, she confessed that when we worked together, she’d believed I had it all together. She wanted to be me.

And then she got a peek behind my closed doors—and it wasn’t pretty.

Somewhere in the middle of my teaching stint, my life fell apart. And I thank God for it, because it’s what got me on my knees, surrendering it all to Jesus. But we put on a brave face and pretend it’s all good. Our kids are perfect, our husbands are straight out of a romance novel, and our futures are secure.

Dare to peek behind the curtain and see that like the great Oz we aren’t anything more than broken people with a big microphone (or an active Facebook page.)

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not recommending that we should plaster our messy lives on social media, although it would be more honest. I know of one FB “friend” who let everyone into a fight with her husband. I don’t know if he gave her permission to do so, but there are some things that should remain private. In fact, airing our dirty marriage laundry in public is disrespectful and unfair to our spouses. Every argument has two sides—both of which should remain behind closed doors or within the confines of a good counselor or one trusted friend.

But maybe young mothers need to know they aren’t alone with their struggles. Had social media been a thing when I was raising my kids, I would’ve dared to share my son’s horrible temper tantrums and my daughter’s painful shyness. What I wouldn’t have given for some good advice and a little commiserating.

While I do post the occasional picture on Facebook (Wordle, puppy fiascos, and vacation pics), I’m hesitant to be real. In a world where people seem to be looking for offenses, I would rather be vulnerable to only those I can truly trust. It’s impossible to have 4,000 Facebook friends. I’d settle for four or five people who are willing to walk through my personal fires alongside me. Those are the true friends.

And never discount the Friend we have in Jesus. He’s going to love us no matter our flub-ups and flaws—because believe me, I have more than my fair share of both.

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