Front clockwise: Beth, Barbie, Me, and Michael (1967)
There was a time, as I struggled with my brother’s death, that I believed suicide was a selfish act. I was angry and hurting, and the Lord has shown me since that this is not true. No one in their right mind takes their own life. The anguish they are going through cannot be understood unless we’ve gone through it ourselves. It does not erase who that person was while here on earth, and despite what some religions claim, it is not unforgivable. Grieving the Holy Spirit is the only unforgivable sin (Matthew 12:31-32), so those who told me Michael was in hell because he killed himself, did not have a strong grasp of the scriptures. If this is a belief you share, I urge you to seek the truth.
We grew up in the Catholic faith, and I could
Left Clockwise: Beth, Michael, Me, Barbie, and baby Marta (1969)
blame that faith on the fact that I never opened a Bible growing up, but we are all responsible for knowing God’s truth for ourselves. Michael became a born-again Christian when we were in our 30’s. He was very excited about his new-found faith, and he could be like a dog with a bone when he shared it. I brushed him off year after year. It wasn’t until I’d gone through a difficult three-year season, culminating in my ex-husband abandoning, me that I was finally ready to surrender my life to Christ. I certainly wasn’t doing such a bang-up job of things on my own.
The next month for my birthday, Michael gave me my first Bible. The inscription read:
Jennie,
As you know, the word of God is more than just another good book.
Basic
Instruction
Before
Leaving
Earth
It contains promises to believers that get us through the problems we face. You can be sure that you are not in it alone, but you can do all things through Him who strengthens you. Phil 4:13
May God’s word give you the wisdom, strength & courage through all your trials.
Love, Mike
Michael and me (2006)
He committed suicide a short four years later.
A year to the day after his death, I was reading the Bible he’d given me, as was my daily habit, and I reread the inscription. It broke me. I sobbed over the loss of a brother I so dearly loved, but more than that, I sobbed over the fact that he could no longer rest in God’s promises.
He left a wife and five children, four sisters, and a father who grieved over the loss. But he also left the love of Christ with others through his evangelizing and so many memories that will never be forgotten. And I know he is now with the Lord, no longer battling the pain and anguish which led to his suicide.
To be released April 13, 2021 (preorder available now)
A little over three months ago, I posted a blog titled “My Sweet Irish Twin.” It was a walk down memory lane with Michael. The reason behind it, aside from waxing nostalgic over my childhood hero, was to introduce my upcoming novel Providence. It’s Book 3 in the Apple Hill Series and was inspired by his suicide. Although it won’t release until April 13th, my publisher let me know it is already available for preorder for those of you who like to receive the perks for doing so.
The preorder gift for Surrendered (Book 1) and Illusions (Book 2) was a short prequel to the novels. Providence will be the same. I’m working on that story now, and I’m excited to delve into the background of a new side character. My publisher also let me know she’d like me to write another Christmas novella for next year (yes, we have to plan these things way in advance), and that story will be about that same character. There is symmetry to that idea which feeds my type-A organized personality.
I am grateful that God uses every tear for our good and His glory. I pray the loss of my brother will prove to be a comfort and/or blessing to others in their own life’s journey.
Comments 1
Jennie,
I miss Mike terribly as well. I could not condone those who said he was not in heaven. First of all was he zeal for Christ, but when we were at his funeral, all the people who stood up because Mike brought them to Christ was overwhelming. We are both better for having loved him.
Barbie