Do you remember the first Valentine’s gift your spouse gave you? I do. I had all these expectations built up, even though we agreed to get each other an inexpensive symbol of our love. Or at least that was my idea. I don’t think Chris got the memo—at least not the “symbol of our love” part. He latched onto “inexpensive.”
Expectations. Boy, can they get us into trouble. I don’t know about you, but I had the insane idea that somehow, someway my husband could fulfill a need in me that I was unable communicate. Crazy, huh? But isn’t that what gets most of us into a marital pickle? Unmet expectations. It’s not like I wasn’t forewarned. The first birthday gift he bought me was the book How to Win Friends and Influence People in response to a comment I made about being uncomfortable in a crowd. Very practical. Very Chris.
But I digress. So, it’s our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple—all of six months. For me, it was all in the presentation. I don’t like having my picture taken, but I found one of me that was tolerable, framed it beautifully and then wrapped it (along with the requisite chocolate bar) in a gift bag—a very Valentine’s Day-ish gift bag with hearts and purple tissue and the whole shebang.
Sitting in our family room, I was excited to see what he came up with. I saw no gift bag, only a small brown paper sack. I proudly presented my gift, excited to see his response, which was what I expected.
“So, where’s mine?” I sat there, my hands out, waiting.
“I missed the part about wrapping it. Give me a minute.” He took the gift bag I’d just given him, emptied it out and turned to hide what he was doing. When he was done, he handed my gift bag back to me. Okay, so he wasn’t big on presentation. It’s really the gift that matters, right?
I reached in and pulled out a…purple, plastic toothbrush case (99 cents at any drug store). “I don’t get it.” I was grinning, because I knew there was more to the story.
“You said you needed one when we go traveling.” Dead serious.
At first I laughed. How cute is that? But then much to my shame (and regret) I started crying. “This is what communicates your love for me?” I think it was the tears that got to him more than anything. Poor guy. He didn’t even know what to do.
That year, we got The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, and took the profile at the back of the book. The idea is (if you’re not familiar with it) by answering a multitude of questions you ascertain which of the five love languages speaks to your heart: Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Receiving Gifts; Acts of Service; or Physical Touch. To be honest, I don’t know what I scored in each category, and although I had points for everything, Receiving Gifts wasn’t my primary love language. However, I will never forget what Chris scored on Receiving Gifts—0. Not one point. This was an aha moment for me.
Even though my husband cringes when I tell this story, he’s given me full permission to do so. In fact, he encouraged me to use it at a speaking engagement several years ago. Maybe because we’ve both changed so much over the years—he tries a little harder at getting good gifts and I’ve come to realize that he shows his love to me every day in ways that amaze me, and I’m so incredibly grateful for him. We don’t even bother with Valentine’s gifts anymore—a nice card, a romantic dinner and we’re good. He truly is my gift.
Getting back to The Five Love Languages: I believe every love language is important, but the most important is how your spouse feels loved. I could be giving gifts to Chris every day for a year and all it would communicate to him was that I spent too much time, money and energy on gifts. If the language of your spouse doesn’t come naturally, then it’s a perfect opportunity to work on strengthening it. Practice makes perfect.
Or, at least, good enough.
Comments 4
I read that book many years ago. I don’t remember how the test came out, but I too see my husband giving to me in many ways every day. That is what counts.
Author
Yes, it is!
Valentine’s Day put a lot of pressure on couples. To get the perfect card and gift. To present it well ;-). To have it received well. We are like you guys. After 51 years, it’s a good dinner and a nice card. We’re happy.
Author
It’s really just a way for Hallmark to make money, anyway!