Mother-in-law woes are as old as… well… Moses. However, I dubbed mine a Little Irish Angel years ago for good reason. Near the end of September, we were scheduled for a week-long visit with this sweet 91-year-old, but when we realized she was having health challenges, our schedule went out the window. One week became six.
Most can get along with anyone for a week, even if it requires lots of tongue biting and long, meditative walks. Six weeks? That might be more challenging, especially with one’s mother-in-law. Not so with mine. Not only did she soldier on through some frustrating health issues, but we were nearly evacuated due to the fire in Santa Rosa, and the utility company turned off the power four times during our visit—once for five days.
It’s through adversity that a person’s true character is revealed. Someone famous said that, (Abraham Lincoln?) and I’m paraphrasing, but it’s true. Growing old is challenging enough, although I haven’t yet discovered that for myself (hot flashes not withstanding). Observing Mom over the extended visit brought clarity about areas in which I need to grow—not that I had any doubts. Here are a few lessons.
Lesson One: Focus on others. Mom cannot have any social experience (including a trip to the hospital for blood work) without engaging with others. She makes it her personal mission to find out everything she can about the phlebotomist or nurse tending to her. She knows the origins of her doctor (Irish), how long she’s been married, how many children she has and what they’re each doing with their lives. Every day she’d say, “I wonder how my dentist’s wife is doing” as she’d been diagnosed with cancer months ago. This is a gift, especially in a world where we tend to be self-focused.
Lesson Two: Don’t complain. My father-in-law passed away less than two years ago. He and Mom were married for over sixty-seven years, yet I never saw her shed a tear, even though she sat by his hospital bedside for days. She has limited mobility, thanks to a fall she took off a treadmill (yes, treadmill!) three years ago and ended up with a broken shoulder (that never healed properly) and deep leg lacerations. But she never complains. This is a mixed blessing, however. We would know how to better serve her if she’d voice a few complaints now and then.
Lesson Three: Persevere. Mom insists on keeping a regular schedule, even when it would be easier to sleep the day away. On numerous occasions, I heard her mumble, “Okay, Pat (her name is Patricia), it’s time to get moving.” She walks with a very slow shuffle and I can run two miles in the time it takes her to get a bowl of cereal, but she still does it. We offer assistance, but she insists on doing it herself. “It’s good for me,” she’d say. “I need to keep moving.”
Lesson Four: Relationships are important. Until recently, Mom regularly met with friends she’s known since first grade at a restaurant in San Francisco, where she was born and raised. Unable to do that anymore (and with the class dwindling) she still stays in touch. Every day, she has a phone call or two with a friend, a cousin from upper state New York, her sister or a neighbor. She asks what they’ve been up to (most not so much) and how they’re doing—another part of Lesson One. She’s more relational at 91 than I’ve ever been.
Lesson Five: Gratitude. Every night before she went to bed, she made sure to thank us for being with her and to tell us she loves us. Every meal, as we prayed together, she’d thank God for her “angels” come to be with her in a time of need. As much as she’s ready to be with Dad in heaven, she is grateful for every day and the life she’s lived. She doesn’t focus on the negative, but reminisces over the blessings.
Fortunately for me, my husband has inherited many of Mom’s traits, so the lessons I received are not new to me. I see them played out every day. We learn by example and are influenced by those with whom we spend time. Proverbs 27:17 comes to mind, As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Now I just need to take those lessons and apply them to my life—God willing and the creeks don’t rise, or as Mom says, God willing and the geese don’t fly (a byproduct of poor hearing.)
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What a blessing you have in your mother in law.I can certainly take lessons from her as well, especially with relationships and keeping in touch. I am a faithful friend and keep those dear to me close in thought but fail to actually pick up a phone to talk. On Wednesday I am heading to CA to visit my parents. Praying dad hangs in until then. It’s ironic we keep crossing paths to and from CA to take care of our elderly parents. Love you cuz
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Yes it is! I love you, too, and will have your parents in my thoughts and prayers.
As it is only days since the passing of my husband, I would do well to take these lessons to heart. I knew she was a wonderful lady because Chris is just like her. Thank you for the lessons.