It’s that time of year again. When the fear of unmet expectations looms as Valentine’s Day draws near. I’m as romantic as the next person. In fact, I think I’m a romantic at heart. My mom told me once that I viewed the world through rose-colored glasses. I was twenty at the time and planning my first wedding. Looking back, she was right, and I think now it was more a warning than a compliment. She was concerned I wasn’t going into that marriage with a clear vision. I continued to view it as such until the day my first husband walked out on me.
It only took twenty-three years.
But I think there is something much more damaging than seeing only the good in people. That’s seeing only the bad. No one is perfect—most especially me! However, I did learn a thing or two from traveling the road the Lord allowed for me. And the pain I went through taught me more than I could have ever learned otherwise.
When Chris and I married, I still suffered from rose-colored-glass-itis. I hadn’t yet healed from being abandoned in my marriage or the loss of my mother, who was probably the most influential person in my life. Somehow, I thought Chris was going to make it all better. I placed unfair expectations on him, and when he didn’t meet them, I felt unloved. Little did I know, he had issues of his own to deal with. But as we grew in our faith and drew closer to the Lord, something miraculous happened—we truly became one.
My eyes were first opened years ago when our church did a Bible study using Dr. Emerson Eggerich’s Love & Respect book and videos. What I didn’t realize until then was I hadn’t been showing Chris the respect he so desperately needed. And although I placed most of the blame on my first husband for the breakdown of my first marriage, I could clearly see where I had failed him as well. More importantly, I failed the Lord.
The premise of Dr. Eggerich’s book is that at their heart, men desire respect and women desire love. When a man doesn’t receive respect from his wife, he then reacts in unloving ways. It’s a vicious cycle that, if not remedied, can spiral into a broken marriage. Open communication and a willingness to make the appropriate changes in a relationship can result in ways nothing short of miraculous.
Too many times I’ve been in the company of women who have had nothing but negative things to say about their husbands. Sometimes it’s in jest, as if it’s humorous to be critical of their spouse and marriage. But whether it’s said with a smile or a sneer, it’s critical just the same. I often wonder how the husband would feel if he heard his wife criticizing him to her friends. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters (Colossians 3:24.) This is a command for everything we do, including how we walk out our marriage.
It’s so important that we can look at ourselves and where we may be failing. It’s comfortable to think that if everything is going well, it’s all good. I thought my first marriage was “perfect” until the day my ex walked out. I’m not sure if that says more about him or more about me. I just know that the enemy is looking for any foothold he can find to destroy marriages and families. Don’t give him the opportunity.
Comments 1
Jennie this is a wonderful post. I was there when he hurt you so badly. I hurt for. I also had to learn to respect my husband. My wake up call and help came when we were at an Amway conference. I believe it saved my marriage. Shortly after that he could no longer work. Maybe that’s why God gave you Chris. Give him and yourself hugs from me. I love you both.