Rule Number One

I have a theory about relationships. God puts people in our lives to help us grow in some way or another. It’s the idea behind Proverbs 27:17—Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage theorized it in another way, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy rather than happy.” Although my focus is on marriage, I believe every close relationship has the potential to help us more closely reflect the image of Jesus Christ.

Years ago, when I first began blogging, I was talking to an older gentleman-mentor of ours from church about what a gift Chris was to me. He asked me why I didn’t write blog posts about that more often. He proposed it would be a popular subject for my readers. I’d certainly thought about it—Chris would no doubt be a near-perfect hero in a story—but I also thought about the number of marriages that are riddled with discontentment and strife. Bragging about my husband would seem counterproductive—like rubbing the nose of a poverty-stricken woman in luxuries she could not afford.

So, I’ve tried to use only those circumstances when there is a clash of our personalities as humorous anecdotes to make a biblical point—how those times draw us closer to God. I’m here to tell you, there does not have to be strife in order for our marriages or friendships to sharpen us some. God wires each of us differently and then draws us toward each other. Most often the quirks or personality traits that attract us in the first place can be the same things that frustrate us years later. But even those things can be the basis for growth.

We often listen to podcasts from Focus on the Family, and there is no shortage of guests who talk about marriage. Every time I hear someone qualified say, “Conflict in marriage is actually a good thing,” I cringe. Arguments between us are few and far between, mostly because Chris is a type 9 on the Enneagram (the peacemaker) which means it’s not in his DNA to argue. A one-sided disagreement does nothing more than make me appear to be a lunatic ranting at an invisible foe. Have there been tense moments in our marriage? Absolutely. But after nearly fifteen years, even those have dwindled away. Not because of anything we’ve done aside from staying closely connected to Jesus.

It wasn’t like that when we first married. You can’t put a woman with abandonment issues who’d been married her entire adult life with a man who appreciated his independence (and walked away from potential arguments) and not have a few sparks. Two things made all the difference in the world: We put our relationship with Jesus Christ first and foremost, and I got some good, Christian counseling.

I will say when those tense moments do arise, it’s almost always caused by one of us breaking that “Jesus first” rule. Because we’ve become sensitive to the Holy Spirit, it doesn’t take long for the offender to be humbled and repentant. I am not so naïve to think this is a simple fix for all marriages. It requires two people who are fully committed to the Lord. This is why we the Bible commands that we not be unequally yoked (Corinthians 6:14). Just like every other command in the Bible, if we choose to go our way instead of His, life gets a little more complicated. God is bigger than our rebellion, though. If you are a believer who married a non-believer, God will use that for your good and His glory eventually. If you became a believer after you were married, and your spouse has not, He has a plan and purpose in that, as well.

We can only work on ourselves and leave the rest up to the Lord. Chris and I were both married before either of us were believers. Although neither of us wanted our first marriages to end in divorce, we clearly see where the mistakes we made had a hand in them. I had a pastor once who would say, “You can learn and live or live and learn.” His point was that we can avoid the pitfalls in life if we become wise before we make those irrevocable mistakes. Hindsight is 20/20. Fortunately, we’ve been redeemed by the blood of Christ.

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