But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God—1 Corinthians 11:3
Nearly thirty years ago, my brother married for the second time and asked me before the rehearsal if I would read some Bible scripture at his wedding. He had recently surrendered his life to Christ and wanted his vows to reflect this newfound relationship with Jesus.
I’m ashamed to admit, my sisters and I (who had never even read the Bible) snickered over some of the verses that clearly commanded that his new wife was to be submissive to him. It was such a joke to us, I was afraid I wouldn’t get through the reading without cracking up.
Ten years later, I also made vows for the second time—and my husband Chris and I chose those same verses to be read at our wedding.
When we don’t have the Holy Spirit guiding our hearts and minds, it’s impossible to read God’s Word with any discernment and understanding. What seemed ridiculous to me before I surrendered my life to Christ is now so clearly life-giving, God-assuring instructions on how to live under the love and sovereign protection of the Lord. I can’t even start the day now without an hour in the Word.
It wasn’t until we went through a marriage study years ago that I recognized how my sin was in part responsible for the breakdown of my first marriage—and I feared I would make the same mistakes in my second. The book we were studying was Emmerson Eggerich’s Love & Respect. Up until that time, I blamed the entire failure of my first marriage on my ex-husband. He made the choice to walk out without benefit of counseling or even an explanation that made sense. But my lack of respect and arrogance basically led him to the door.
Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of Christian women who are also blinded to what submission looks like—or maybe they just choose to not see. I gave a talk at a women’s breakfast at that same church a few years later. There was some pushback from a few wives who felt their husbands didn’t lead well enough for them to submit. I actually had one woman tell me that she does submit to her husband—when she agrees with his decisions.
They are now divorced.
It would take another blog post to discuss how we, as strong women, can easily emasculate our husbands so that they won’t even try to lead for fear we may mock or ignore them. Maybe they’ve already been beaten down so badly, they’ve given up on leading. Or maybe they never had a strong role model to help them in this area of a Christian marriage. I think we must first take the plank from our own eye before pointing out the speck of dust in our husband’s (Matthew 7:3)
My husband Chris is very soft-spoken, gentle, and kind. He seriously dislikes confrontation, which in his before-Jesus life exacerbated poor decisions that over time spiraled into disasters. Ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away; it allows it to fester. But as he drew strength, knowledge, and wisdom from the Bible, he learned that speaking truth is a lot more loving than not—if done with grace.
The first time I experienced his godly leadership for myself was early in our marriage. I had issues with one of the associates in Chris’s practice. The reasons are not important, but suffice it to say, I had lost all respect for this young man, and my response was to not engage with him. When someone hurts me, I can shrug it off. When someone hurts my kids or my husband, I’m not so forgiving. This happened to be the case.
One evening, it came to a head when the entire staff went to a workshop, which I also attended. I was not openly rude to this man, I just ignored him. It was clear to Chris my irritation wasn’t going away, and he gently brought it up as we were driving home afterwards.
“This can’t continue,” he said to me. “If you have a problem with him, it has to get settled.”
I remained silent. The fact is, I couldn’t get a word past my anger and the lump in my throat.
“Do you need me to step in and handle it for you?” He asked gently.
I shook my head, and the rest of the drive was cloaked in a heavy silence while he held my hand. I felt such an overbearing conviction I was not acting in a way that pleased the Lord, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I was furious. Partly because I felt somewhat justified and partly because I knew I was wrong. I don’t know if you’ve been there, but it’s an awful tug-of-war.
The next morning, I spent an hour with the Lord, praying, reading, journaling. I waited another hour, and then I emailed this young man. I told him why I was angry, and how his actions had hurt me and disrespected Chris, but that my behavior was inexcusable. I asked for his forgiveness and vowed I would do better in the future. He immediately responded with grace. “I want to be more like you,” he’d written. “You are a true Christian.” Had he only known the struggle I went through to get to that point, he might not have believed this to be true. I didn’t.
I tell you all this because sometimes when our husband’s lead, they use such a soft touch, we tend to ignore them. Or maybe we just don’t catch on. With work and kids and the stress of everyday life, it’s easy to swat away the discerning voice of a gentle man. Had Chris berated me or laid out why I was being un-Christlike, I probably would’ve responded with more anger which would have caused more hurt… and the cycle would have continued.
Instead, he approached me with love, grace, and the conviction that he had to answer to the Lord with his actions, and he was in part responsible for mine. Just like I have to submit to Chris, Chris has to submit to God. If you think we, as women, have a difficult task, imagine the responsibilities our husbands face. As author Gary Thomas premises in his book Sacred Marriage, what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it. It will change your perspective—in a good way.
