The Sound of Silence

One of the challenges of moving more than halfway across the country is also one of the blessings. I have a difficult time being alone for more than few days. Typically, when my husband goes off on one of his bi-annual hunting trips, he’s gone for three days. When we were first married, these times alone brought with it a struggle to stay busy so I wouldn’t miss him. I would save my home decorating stints for these occasions and then work until I dropped. After a few years, I relaxed quite a bit and actually looked forward to the time alone. Three days was was a cinch.

However, when we moved 2300 miles a couple months ago, we knew that there would be some extended time that Chris would need to be in California. He didn’t want to leave his sweet mom (now 90 years old) for too long without a visit, and I was completely on board with this decision. The first time he flew back for a week, we’d only been in our new home for two weeks. I knew almost no one, we didn’t have a church yet, and I wasn’t even sure how to get to town. Pretty pathetic, huh? But it was good. I had lots to keep me busy—hanging pictures, unpacking the last few boxes and learning my way around. I plugged in my GPS, and by the time Chris got home, I was golden.

After being home for a couple weeks, he left again. This time he was dividing his time between hunting with his brother and visiting Mom. We now had a church and I had lots to do—first round of edits for my book contract, the next promo for my author page to figure out and a book review coming due. So, why did I feel so lost? Yes, I miss my husband when he’s not with me. But it goes deeper than that.

Without him, I fear I have no substance. 

And this is why time alone is important. Since we’ve retired, we’re together a lot. It’s not a hardship since he’s my best friend. But unless we have extended time by ourselves, we cannot know the depths of who we truly are—and Whose we truly are. My identity cannot come from my husband or my children or my friends—or anyone else in the world. It must come from God. And given that Chris is called to work with the Billy Graham Rapid Response Team, there will deployments to face, as well. More solitude!

I need to learn how to make the most of my time alone, and I don’t mean filling it with projects or work. But to discover who I am at my core and who God calls me to be as his child.

So as a writer, I’m a researcher. If I don’t know how to do something, I google it. In my search, I came across the article Eight Steps to Meeting God in Silence and Solitude which you may find as helpful as I. And along with this, I leave you a quote by Henri Nouwen.

When we start being too impressed by the results of our work, we slowly come to the erroneous conviction that life is one large scoreboard where someone is listing the points to measure our worth. And before we are fully aware of it, we have sold our soul to the many grade-givers. That means we are not only in the world, but also of the world. Then we become what the world makes us. We are intelligent because someone gives us a high grade. We are helpful because someone says thanks. We are likable because someone likes us. And we are important because someone considers us indispensable. In short, we are worthwhile because we have successes. And the more we allow our accomplishments — the results of our actions — to become the criteria of our self-esteem, the more we are going to walk on our mental and spiritual toes, never sure if we will be able to live up to the expectations which we created by our last successes. In many people’s lives, there is a nearly diabolic chain in which their anxieties grow according to their successes. This dark power has driven many of the greatest artists into self-destruction.

― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

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